If you’re working in an advertising agency, design agency or marketing agency, your job offer should have come with a health warning. Or, to be more specific, a big f**king post-it note slapped onto your screen on your first Monday morning at work that says “Listen sonny, I hope you got a decent sleep at the weekend because that’s the last you’re going to have in a long, long time. Love always, your Creative Director. PS. What the hell are you doing reading this? Get bloody working!!”

OK, maybe that’s an extreme case. I’m quite positive that only 97.5% of Creative Directors are like that. But the sleep thing really isn’t an exaggeration. Trust me.

Think about it… it doesn’t matter what your job, a lot of your work will need to be finished by a specific deadline. So you might have an ad campaign that you need to mock up for 9am on a Thursday. You can bet your shoes that you’ll finish it at exactly 08:59 on the very same Thurdsay morning. After working all night, of course. Or, lets say the whole agency is working on a pitch that needs to be presented to Mr Big Client at 9.30am on a Monday morning. Yep, you guessed it, you’ll all get finished at approximately 7.45am on the same Monday morning. Which leaves the presentation team just over an hour to drive to the client’s office. Which, incidentally, is 2 hours away.

There isn’t an agency in the world that’s conscientious enough to finish a job an entire day before it’s due. Or if there is, no Creative Director will let that free time before the deadline go by without first seeing if the team can use it to think of some better ideas than the ones they’ve just finished.

But that’s only half the story. There are beers after work to attend to most nights, agency parties, launch parties, awards nights, and then maybe a few extra beers and a curry on your way home. And you can’t say “no” to any of them. That would just be plain rude, and you’re just not the kind of person who enjoys offending people. No. Not you. Never.

So with all those late nights, a good night’s sleep is well and truly history, and you’re left with only one option: play catch-up during the day. Only problem is that you’re at work, but if you follow our ‘top tips for inconspicuous daytime napping’ guide closely, you could start sneaking in a few daytime power naps here and there and no-one will ever suspect a thing. Except, of course, when you’re the only person still wide awake after that 7.45 am Monday morning pitch deadline.

Then you just blame the drugs. Everyone else in advertising does anyway.

So, without further ado, here’s our top five ways to catch up on your sleep…

#1 - “I’ve got some research to do for this campaign.”

Genius, this one. ‘Research’ in advertising can mean many things, though mostly, it means squat. For example, it could mean walking round your favourite shops to check what competitors are doing. It could mean sitting on the toilet for an afternoon reading your favourite… um… ‘lifestyle magazine’, again to check what your competitors are doing. It could mean a trip to the library or bookshop. Or it could mean that you’re just heading off home for 3 hours to sleep off last night’s 8 pints of Wifebeater. See, no-one ever really knows what research involves. They think it’s all part of this mysterious creative process, and if you say the word “reee-search” convincingly enough (say it very slowly and very, very deeply while staring into their eyes, preferably when you’re wearing black), they just won’t ask for more information. Ever.

#2 - “I’m on a shoot this afternoon.”

What, a big game shoot in the Serengeti? A ’shoot the coconut off the midget’s head’ game at the local fayre? A slow-motion, Tarantino-style, drive-by shooting at the grocery store? Or shooting 40 winks on the back seat of your car in the secluded carpark round the corner. Again, it doesn’t matter. Telling them you’re “off on a shoot” is one of those great statements that almost always elicits a reaction close to pure awe.  Especially if you’re telling the agency cleaner. Because often, being on a shoot involves models, make-up artists, lights, cameras, and all kinds of other unneccessary, yet extremely impressive-sounding, guff. And again, no one will suspect a thing. After all, they’ll be too jealous to worry about whether you’re lying out of your backside or not.

#3 - “Hey everyone, I’ll get lunch.”

OK, so you work in the middle of a thriving city. With an especially thriving lunchtime scene, that feels more like the opening few minutes of Saving Private Ryan. You’ve got Pizza Huts, KFCs, Burger Kings and good old Ronald MacDonald attracting the masses into the streets for an artery-hardening lunch like modern-day, morally-challenged Pied Pipers. So what do you do? You could either wait in line at Macky D’s for an hour and watch the schoolkids eat mayonnaise like it’s yoghurt, then really annoy the shit out of your Food Delivery and Service Technician (and the 73 people in the line behind you) by placing an order for the 23 people you work with. Or, you could head home for an hour, catch some well-deserved shut-eye and saunter back in when the crowd has gone back to work and there’s no waiting around for service.

The whole episode will take almost exactly the same amount of time, regardless of which way you do it. All you need to remember is to ruffle up your hair and mutter these key phrases repeatedly under your breath when you arrive back at work with everyone’s lunch: “Bloody queues. Someone else can bloody well go next time. Bloody MacDonalds. Bloody kids.” They’ll love you. You’ll be a hero for enduring such a dreadful ordeal. And after waiting for over an hour for their burgers, they’ll be so hungry that they won’t even care where you’ve been all this time.

#4 - “I’ve been asked to do a presentation at the local college.”

Generally called lecturing, but often referred to as “letching” on account of the all the young.. er… um…. actually, this is a good one that can also help you to gain credibility in the eyes of everyone you’re lying to. Why? Because they think that you’re helping people. That you’re putting everything you’ve learned back into the community. That you’re embracing the kids, teaching them new skills, and helping them to carve out a rewarding career in an exciting and challenging industry. It’s true. And they’ll respect you for it. It’s also the kind of thing that they won’t question. Because why would someone so responsible and caring as to take an interest in the sweet little kids down at the college lie to them? Because they need a f**king sleep, that’s why.

#5 - “Oh, I’ve had just about enough of this b*llocks. F***ing sh*t, this is. Go on, f**k off, the lot of you! What the f**k am I doing here anyway? I’m the f**king creative here, not you. What kind of a f**king agency is this, anyway? Etc, etc, etc.”

Yep, in at number 5 is the ‘Creative Strop’. Once only available to creatives, who often believe they possess superior intelligence, and to whom the ability to take creative strops is a God-given right, it’s becoming more widely used in recent times throughout the entire agency. It usually involves an insignificant argument such as whether to use 60% or 70% cyan in a layout, or whether to use the words “we are”, as opposed to “we’re”. Then it escalates until one party violently flips his layout pad shut, bounces his pen across the meeting room, flounces out, slams the door, and begins yelling those colourful phrases above. Or other colourful phrases to that effect.

With particularly effective creative strops, you should still be able to hear the cursing along the corridor, into the lobby, and often some distance down the street. The best strops can last 2 or three hours, or maybe the rest of the afternoon - that’s a good 4 or 5 hours of ‘night-nights’ when you think about it. What’s more, having your own strop is dead easy. You first need to create your own insignificant little argument and stick to it. With your life. For example, keep your ears open for someone who insists that A4 layout pads are the future of the agency. Then you insist that A3 pads are the way forward. No, I mean *really* insist. Keep pushing and pushing and pushing. Eventually, voices will be raised and, by Christ, you’re off. Salty language is encouraged, angry and furious facial expressions are absolutely vital, and flamboyant fist waving always makes a nice litle flourish. Just make sure your vocabulary of insults is large enough for your muttering to continue down the stairs and out into the street. And the best part? No-one in their right mind will ever have the balls to confront you after that little performance.

Enjoy your nap.

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